Enjoying life.

Some days, I feel as if I’m not enjoying life. As if I’m bored with life. Some days, I feel as if I’m just waiting to grow old and die.

I have a great life. And more importantly, I have great opportunities. I’m single, 25, and have enough disposable income that the world is available to me. Yet, I find myself struggling every day to get out of bed, and I find my nights sitting at home struggling with what to do.

This year is the year of no excuses. I will enjoy life more. I will laugh more.

Running with motivation!

I’ve decided to start a new blog about running. My plan is to run a marathon, so that blog will be dedicated to only running. (Site: http://runningintotrees.wordpress.com/)

Meanwhile, I continue my quest to start writing… It will happen, and it will happen soon. It’s just a matter of sitting down and doing it!

Also, still not sure if I want to enjoy life or if I want to go back to school. School will cost $100k and 4 years of my life. At the same time, I’m sure it’ll be worth it for my occupation, and I won’t have to start paying school loans back for another 4+ years. (At the cost of being $150k in debt instead of $45k.) Is it worth it? I don’t know…I’d like to enjoy my life a little bit more. And I will. There are more important things in life than money, especially when you’re already making a comfortable amount.

0 words

WHY?! I wrote exactly 0 words. Why can’t I write anything on the damn page?! Its not like its that hard. I can write on this damn thing. I just can’t seem to create stories or characters. Maybe I should just start randomly and see where it goes from there.

Ugh, can’t decide on a setting though!

0 words. That’s how many I wrote. 0. That’s not a very big number.

1500 words

I’m going to sit here and not leave until I write 1500 words.

Slightly older than one year…

Its been a while since I last procrastinated…a couple of months. But I’m still alive and kicking. Well, alive at least. Not really kicking. Nothing to kick. Well, plenty to kick, but its all too expensive to actually kick.

Had a conversation about Buddhism with my younger brother. He’s going through the hormonal stage. You know, the one where you watch your female friend’s boobs get bigger, you’re sex crazed, and you hate your parents? Yeah, that stage. He has this idea that he needs to control his emotions and discipline himself. I can’t blame him, I had the same thoughts when I was his age. But really, that’s the wrong attitude. You have to experience your emotions, but see them for what they are – emotions. Its not a bad thing to feel angry, nor is it a good thing to feel happy. It simply is. You just accept your emotions, and find out why you feel that way, look at them for what they are, and then FEEL them. Sometimes they are inappropriate, and then you can recognize that, and change them. Sometimes they are very appropriate, and you recognize that, and you can feel them without letting them control your behavior.

So, still want to write (stories) and run. Haven’t done it recently. Also want to go out. I’m going to make more of an effort. Not sure if I want to go back to school or not. Professionally, I should. I have a lot to offer the world, and I could do good by learning in-depth about certain technologies, as well as teach myself how to work just a little bit harder (some of those grad classes are a lot of work). It’d be great professionally. But I don’t know…I’d be giving up a lot of my free time. But what do I do in my free time right now? Watch tv shows, sit around and play video games, and download porn. Time that could be better spent doing other things far more productive.

I’m better when I make a schedule and stick to it. But then again, I never follow schedules.

I need to remember what a friend told me: Little hills. Just worry about the little hills.

Here are my little hills (once again, a year later, revisiting the same old hills):
Write for an hour each day.
Run for 30 minutes a day (5 days a week)
Go out 1-2 times a week.

Little hills. Little hills.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

“I call it my faggot gun.”
“Because…?”
“Because its only good for a couple of shots, then you have to throw it away for something better.”

Great movie.

 

And I’m moving back to the suburbs. The time and money aren’t worth it right now.

Daisies and Crickets

I’ve moved to the big city. Yep, I’m in Chicago, in a little apartment in Lakeview. The sheer quantity of people scares the shit out of me. I’ve pushed myself to a place far from everything I’m familiar with, and it scares the hell out of me.

It doesn’t help that I miss my best friend. It was nice to have her there, to hang out with her and stuff. We had a lot of fun. But I don’t like commitments… I don’t know, its just very difficult at the moment.

And I’m having a difficult time.

Nothing to Say

I’ve been staring at a blank word document. The cursor blinking. Not quite true, there’s one lonely sentence staring back at me. I feel as if I have nothing to say. There’s stuff in my head, but its fuzzy. Incomplete.

Its not just that I have nothing to say on paper. I have nothing to say to other people. I feel like I’m zoned out most of the time. Lost in another world that is kind of bland, lifeless, storyless. I’m not very energetic or exciting. I want to be, but I’m not. I’m scared and shy. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, this is just how I am. I don’t go out often, and I don’t hang out with people or say much. In fact, I spend a considerable amount of time having other people entertain me (usually via tv shows, movies, and books). Its not a bad way to live life, but its not productive or adventurous.

While I love writing (even little snippets such as this blog), I find that I’m constantly blocked when thinking of stories to write. I’m not about to stop my attempts, and I’m going to try to push through it as much as I can. Hopefully, I’ll find my way through this block in the road. I know if I persist, it’ll come to me.

One of the major reasons I’m moving to Chicago is so that it forces me to go out more, give me stories to tell, and force me to socialize with the world. At least, that is the hope.

The same hope that sitting in front of this laptop will help me write stories.

And my page is still blank.

A Start

So I’ve started a couple of exercises. None of them have developed a plot yet, but that’ll come with time. The key is that I’m starting to write a little bit of fiction. Not much, but you know…its a start. A very small start, but the journey begins with a small step. You need to make another small step after that one. And then another one… Its all part of the Journey. As long as you remember to keep taking steps.

I think I’m going to start a story with the following paragraph. Its descriptive. Something I’ve been lacking in the recent story I started writing. The read needs to feel that they’re there as much as they need to see the events unfold in front of them.

A small figure sat on the moss-covered rock. He wore a night-blue, long-hooded robe. The robe had small tears on its edges and a mud-stain on its butt. A brown rope wrapped around the waist and carried small pouches filled with dead mice, lucky rocks, shiny coins and a set of bones, probably from a rabbit or squirrel. Metal ornaments hung from strings around the neck, some with bones, some with metal objects, and some with pieces of wood engraved with strange symbols. A wiry green hand held a long-dead stick about three feet in length. At the top of the stick was a point. More odds and ends dangled from the staff a couple of inches from the top. A pointy green nose peered out of the hood, sniffing the air. Red, beady eyes could be seen inside the hood.

Another thin, green hand poked out of the other sleeve of the robe and picked up a dead frog by a leg, and dropped the frog into a green mouth.

Its odd. I was a math major in college. I enjoy math, and I enjoy science. But lately, I’ve found I’ve been focusing on my creative side. Painting miniatures and thinking of things to write. I’ve also doodled a couple of things. I read all the time.

Its not that odd. Its important to be diverse, and not to focus on one side of the brain too much. Creativity and rationality are equal parts of intelligence. And we should strive to improve ourselves any way we can. Its only natural to embrace creativity as much as logic and understanding. Its part of what enriches our lives. And it helps relax and calm the mind and heart. For me, its easier to spend 8 hours at work if I’ve spent part of the previous day reading, writing, or painting. Because  8 hours of frustrating on a PC that is about 4 years behind our current technology trying to develop software is about as painful as having your fingernails removed. Okay, maybe not as painful, but its close.

*Ahem*

No, I haven’t forgotten this place. I’ve just been busy lately.

And no, I didn’t complete my objective. It seems as if I’m busy doing too many things, and there isn’t enough time to do them all.

Its still on the agenda. Eventually.

Its not that I don’t have time to do all the stuff I want to do. Its that I don’t have time to go to work.